I am Ninjaruss — ninjaruss

In spite of it all, I am Ninjaruss.

I’ve figured it’s a good a time as any to make a defined declaration for myself. This idea is taken from the numerous talks on mindset and psychology that I’ve came across over my own wandering of the YouTube algorithm. I have stated multiple times that I do not believe in manifestation. In the sense that simply assuming everything will fall into place will automatically make things work out in that favor.

While I still do not believe in the mysticism part of it, there is a legitimate space in which the choice of directing your thoughts towards a direction will tend to make everything else fall towards that direction. Perhaps I’m on a lucky streak where things tend to work themselves out, but my own life has shown that despite all my shortcomings and negative experiences, they ultimately have brought me back to the moment I am in right now. For that, I am grateful that I have the opportunity in the here and now to be writing this.

So comes the definition, or really the choice to commit to what I want to become. What should that be? How do I even know that it will be the thing I will be satisfied with in the end?

If you take a look at my writing for Remember Rain and my own personal notes, the answer is simply to make any choice and to stick through it. I don’t know if it will work out; hell, I don’t even know if I will be alive in each moment of reality. What makes me so sure my heart won’t just decide “I’ve done enough” and finally resign from its 24/7 job of keeping me alive?

What I can be sure about, is that I have the present moment, right now, to make a choice. Even if everything around me feels like a pressure that prevents me from making a choice, I must make one. No matter how miniscule or seemingly pointless it all is.

How does this translate to my life? Well it’s like this current moment. I spent yesterday mostly wasting my time playing/watching Dead by Daylight (which I did honestly enjoy) while vibe coding (well, vibe fixing) my Utasync app. I mostly took an L, yet I did inch towards my goals by continuing to do a few minutes of Japanese flashcards and trying to further define myself in my story of both Remeber Rain and life. Sure, I didn’t progress as much as I like, but it’s not an excuse to give up and resign myself to accepting that’s all I ever can be.

In a fundamental sense, I believe that more and more, life or really living is both a rebellion and acceptance of reality itself. As most great things seemingly are from my perspective, they all have paradoxes that make it tough to exactly pinpoint the middle ground that integrates everything together.

Yes, life is a struggle. Yes, death is inevitable. Yes, no matter how hard you try, it may never be enough or make a difference in the world. You have no control over what the end result is, but only control over whether you decide - in the here and now - if you want to become something else. To become the ideal someone who unequivocally can overcome any obstacle with the simple, almost insane belief that you just can.

I relate this to the idea of Sisyphus, where he must push the boulder up the hill for all eternity as a punishment by the gods. But, as a quote I’m growing more and more attached to based on seeing it expressed within the media I enjoy (i.e. Gurren Lagann, Re: Zero, Record of Ragnarok) puts it: “one must imagine Sisyphus happy” - Albert Camus.

The struggle itself is enough. To simply be able to climb the stairs is the journey itself. In fear of sounding like a video essayist with no semblance of what nuance means, I must fundamentally commit to something, anything, over and over and over again. In spite of everything that I believe is not within my grasp.

In spite of everything that is actively (or more scarily passively) trying to stop me.
In spite of whether I know it will work out or not.
In spite of knowing I will get hurt and suffer.
In spite of feeling like I’m a loser that hasn’t done anything “truly” meaningful yet.
In spite of my tendencies of wasting my time and not fulfilling my simple mundane tasks timely.
In spite of the people and world around me telling me I should settle for something else, ideally something more comfortable and safe.
In spite of all my dreams being so seemingly out of reach and feeling as though I simply am not the person that can achieve them all.
In spite of my mind being flooded with worry and a need for validation.
In spite of my body flaring up with pain and irritation.
In spite of the impermanance of every single thing I do or love fading away as time goes on.
In spite of my dreams feeling like delusions with no evidence of being made into reality.
In spite of the layers of loneliness that cannot be fully addressed.
In spite of the futile efforts of everything I’ve done in the grand scheme of things.
In spite of my own self (or perhaps shadow) constantly doubting my own abilities and conviction.

In spite of it all, I am Ninjaruss.