Subtle Progress

I am changing constantly, but to everyone else and even myself, I haven’t changed much at all.

This is a problem I have been struggling with recently. I’ve made some relatively big decisions such as driving a motorcycle, going out of my way to attend big events, and even moving forward towards a major life move. Yet, I still feel like I haven’t done enough or really FEEL any different. What I mean is that even though I am doing things that are relatively uncomfortable, they are things that will grow me as a person once I overcome the challenge. The issue is, during the actual journey or making incremental progress towards the goal, I don’t have that sense of emotional momentum that carries me through completely. Granted, I still have been able to accomplish many of these goals, but for every single one of them: I feel uncertain and struggle to justify the actions to myself.

To see this in a more wider lens, I feel the need to have some sort of reasoning or justification to do anything at all. Almost as if I need to meet some sort of quota or requirement before I can start taking action. I want to learn Japanese, yet I question myself over and over again if this is merely a waste of time or it truly aligns with something within myself. In practice, I get lazy and put off learning the language in exchange for things that either have more immediate feedback or have my current focus like the Usogui fansite (that I also have been stalling on actually releasing). I’ve thought to myself, “what if I could just command myself to do something and actually do it?”. Something like Lelouch’s Geass from Code Geass, can I have someone just force me to actually do the things I want to and by extension need to do?

I know this is flawed thinking. In fact, I will likely extend this to the antagonist I am writing for my “WIP” novel, but it is a real wish I feel seems really good. Maybe if someone threatened me with a gun and told me to finish the novel within a month, would I actually finally do it? Perhaps, but it would likely not be as beautiful if I actually went through the struggle of making the thing myself without any outside influence affecting me. The answer is, from my own personal feelings/experiences, that I need to accept the struggle. That no matter what sort of circumstances or skills I lack, I do my best to use my own free will to push through. Yes, there are some deterministic factors like your environment and canon events that occur within your life, but to overcome those factors would mean to become someone extraordinary.

But to get to that point? It takes time, reflection, and the willingness to face the struggles that affect you head on. In my experience, I’ve had to go through many things before I can get to this current point; however, to anyone from the outside, I am making big changes almost on a whim. It’s the subtlty of the small changes like trying to be more social, investing in a few months of HealthyGamer coaching, going to more events, experimenting with live streaming and YouTube, etc. that steer my path to who I am now. I may be overexaggerating, but it’s as if those small things build me up subconsciously.