Can’t run away from your problems, yet it’s easy to defer them to the point of ruin…

Anyone who has interacted with me for an extended period of time will have noticed by now, but one of my main coping mechanisms is simply retreating towards myself. I haven’t really noticed how much this trend has appeared within every part of my life.

Probably the most glaring sign is when I don’t respond to someone’s text or call. Something in my mind sort of takes hold and simply refuses to respond. I feel like it’s more of a actions speaks louder than words type deal where if I’m not responding, I am likely just not having a good time or am busy with something I’m focused on. Among other things, I tend to lock up and stare at my PC doing whatever distracting task I want to work on or do a bit of gaming.

I think it’s mostly a problem with not having a way to output the emotions I’m feeling into something that doesn’t have so much friction behind it. Letting things be and letting time pass seems to at least be a convenient thing to do when I don’t have an immediate solution to a problem.

In a sense, I’m a coward who gives up and retreats when the process hits an obstacle. I don’t think I’m a coward in the sense of being able to bring out some level of courage to do hard things, but I simply have trouble bringing that same energy to the mundane and small level details.

Stalling so much for what? For these issues to work themselves out? It’s such a automatic habit that I only feel disappointment rather than anger towards myself. At times, I feel like the only solution out of this is to be bold, but to an extreme extent.

Like with projects, to just overhaul the entire thing and remake it from scratch with the added knowledge of the stuff from before. Or with people, to state the line and let things devolve. My conscience refuses to go that far as I truly don’t want to leave things in disrepair, but something tells me that a lot of issues would never grow out of hand if I simply did what I needed to do without a second thought.

What I need to do going forward to is confront everything without letting fear or any sort of thing stopping me completely. In a sense, I need to address things immediately as they arise. For if I let these things grow and fester, they will end up like the bosses in Dark Souls 3, abominations that must be purified and/or killed.